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The Love-Hate Relationship

If you think Man's Best Friend is a dog you might want to think again...

Photo cc Impolite Conversation

I am your very closest friend
And will be, ‘til the very end
I’m with you, when you’re on your own
When no one else is there at home
I help you make the hours fly
And now, you may ask, who am I?
Your bestest pal, most precious treasure
Whose loyalty cannot be measured
Your awesome super smashing mate
Your omnipresent trousersnake
I really don’t know where you’d be
If it were not for good old me
Another weekend afternoon
Behind the locked door of your room
When mum and dad have both gone out
And no one else is thereabouts
Your friend comes out to play with you
So pull me, beat me black and blue
Remove your jeans and pull some more
A two-man game of tug o’ war
But, as your friend, I must complain
Why do you give me so much pain?
Just think of all I’ve done for you
When you’ve been bored, I’ve helped you through
And you repay my loyalty
By being cruel as cruel could be
Before retiring every night
You strangle me with all your might
You squeeze me so hard in your hand
That one day soon, you’ll be unmanned
Is this the highlight of your day?
To watch my lifeblood drain away?
So, be more gentle with me please
And don’t use those accessories
Macabre, quite disgusting things
Like leather, studs, tight-fitting rings
Please don’t use clamps or cubes of ice
Next time you roll the furry dice
And are you really, really sure
That you should squash me in a door?
For if, by chance, the north wind blows
Hard through the house, the door will close
And you’ll scream louder than King Kong
A friendly game gone badly wrong
Your hopes of fatherhood are done
And I’ll be squished, to Kingdom Come
Masturbation in a door?
That surely isn’t what it’s for!
And ice cubes are for cooling drinks
They’re not for me!  They make me shrink!
Now mum and dad have both gone down
To do some shopping in the town
Again, you squash me in your hand
I’ll have to take it like a man!
So, stick me in the door again
I’m hoping I can take the strain
One will, invariably, find
Some sticky patches left behind
The rest I really can’t repeat
Glad I don’t have to wash your sheets!
A man upstairs said, loud and clear,
“It smells like rotten fish in here”!
So now, I strongly recommend,
Be kinder to your special friend
Just think of what he does for you
So please don’t beat him black and blue
Don’t try to squeeze the poor old chap
Into the very smallest gap
And, if you’ve had a glass of booze
You know that brewer’s droop ensues
Your dick will never stay the course
You’ll end up flogging one dead horse
Oh shit!  Now mum and dad are home
And I’m no longer on my own!
I run to find a perfume spray
To take the fishy smells away
“Hello, dear mum, and please ignore
“The rock-hard tissues on my floor”.

Richard Holland

About the Writer

Richard lives and works in London


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