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Sexy After Sixty

An older woman's shares her thoughts about the big 'It'

Image source: Wikipedia

 

Grunt, Moan, Sigh... It's a funny old thing sex. Take the nerves you suffer before your first experience: All that anxiety only to think afterwards “Was that it? Is that what all the fuss was about?” It's of course much more than that, especially when it's with someone you're in love with and the chemistry is raging full tilt boogie and you never want it to stop. Before long you'll be exhibiting the arrogance of the young, thinking you've just discovered something so unique and special that it's impossible for anyone else to possibly understand, oblivious to the fact that your elders find this attitude something to quietly and discreetly titter about.

 

Back in 1967, the original Summer Of Love, absolutely everybody seemed to be into 'free love'. I used to have a bank manager who was a weekend hippie; during the week he wore the usual suit and tie but at the weekend he emerged like a butterfly from a chrysalis, garbed in flowing robes, beads and bells and with butterflies painted on his cheeks. He used to go to all the festivals and was at 'It' like a rabbit. I do believe he once gave me a huge overdraft because he knew that I knew what he was up to and erroneously thought that I'd spill the beans. I wonder if he's now a pensioner, still shagging his brains out.

 

The idea that when you are older you don't indulge is a common misunderstanding.  When you are older, dear reader, it just gets better – think of all that 'practice' you've put in! Sex after 60 is still terrific; the only things that slow you down are the physical restrictions of age, so that the Karma Sutra position 'Stork standing on one leg in hurricane' for example, is completely out of the question. Have you ever read the Karma Sutra? It's a marvelous thing if you're double-jointed; if you're older, I'm sure there must be a manual out there named “Shagging For Seniors”.

 

A few words of advice for maturing ladies: Always remember to keep exercising those pelvic floor muscles, otherwise the experience can be akin to chucking a welly down the Edgware Road. But otherwise don't worry about your body as men just don't care; if you're busy trying to suck in your tummy during sex you will never enjoy yourself so let it all hang out and scream as loud as you like! I have turned the head of many a young man who has proved to be an enthusiastic and vigorous lover and, provided you don't expect fascinating conversation, you can have a glorious time. It's only your mind that holds you back so open that, as much as your legs, sisters.

 

Sex is such a personal thing that one man's meat is another man's poison. Some of my friends have preferences so weird that I scratch my head in wonderment and ask myself what the hell is going on in their strange little minds. Naturally anything should be possible as long as it's consensual and no-one is getting hurt which, unfortunately is often not always the case. When sex is used as currency it comes with the proviso that “I'm paying so I call the shots”, thus devaluing the act. I often wonder if hookers get pleasure with their full-time partners as they spend their working days pretending to be screamingly orgasmic and turned on by some of their less pleasant 'tricks'.

 

Being brought up as a Roman Catholic, I was taught that sex was something dirty, not to be indulged in before marriage and only then to be 'endured' for the sake of procreation. What a crock of shit. Sex, dirty? Well, only when it's done right, as Woody Allen said. If you are doing it properly it is – it can be messy, loud and utterly wonderful and is to be enjoyed as often as possible. I have a friend who will only have sex the night before she launders the sheets as it 'makes such a mess'. Well my dears, I don't know about you, but the laundry is the last thing on my mind when I'm on my knees like a dog slobbering with lust.

 

Sex can also be hysterically funny, for example when you let out a loud 'queef' (fanny fart) or are trying something new and falling out of bed or falling over as the result of your best efforts to be adventurous. Breaking a bed can also be quite amusing – unless it's in someone else's house and you are not only wearing a dressing gown at breakfast but also a red face. Oops!

 

Speaking of amusing, have you ever closely watched your partner's face during coitus? The face pulling and gurning is so strange that if you did it in Yorkshire with a horse collar round your neck, you could win a prize and your name on a scroll.

 

On a slightly more serious note, be careful if your partner tells you about their fantasy and you say “Oh ok, let's try that”, because in my experience, once you've indulged them in it, that's all they‘ll ever want and you'll lose out on what's important to you. It's fine if that's your fantasy too, otherwise it can bring resentment and even boredom eventually, as it will seem very one-sided. So just be careful what either of you wish for...

 

All in all sex can be totally wonderful with the right person, even if he's just Mr Right-For-Now, and when you find 'The One' – you've made it. In the words of the great Edwardian actress Mrs Patrick Campbell, “It is a truly wonderful thing to go from the hurly burly of the chaise longue to the deep, deep peace of the double bed”. Enjoy!

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